An Interview with the Honorable Mister Peanut Jackson

The other day, I was "given" the "opportunity" to interview one of our more outspoken and "colorful" YakuYaku translators: Peanut Jackson. The following is a transcript of that interview. To be perfectly honest with you, you'd probably be better off just turning back now. You've been warned.

Anyway, without further ado, I give you the man, the myth, the oxygen bandit - Peanut Jackson.

Good afternoon, Mr. Jackson.
WHUT WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT! WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!

For my first question, I'd like to ask you how exactly you became – or decided to become – a translator?
Well basically, a few years ago I finally got around to learnin' how to read, and I was like, I can uzitilizize these skillz for a job, yo! I can even wrizzite most of the alphrabets by myself now!

Why did you choose to learn a language so different from your own such as... um... Canadian?
One time, when I was a lil' young 'un and that, my mizzom and dizzad took me all the way down south to Canadia. You know, like where they play ice-golf and shizz? Anywayz, we rolled up on Canadia, and everytime someone say something to us, we wuz like WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT? And then we be all trying to talk all hella slow and loud, like so they could understizzand our bomb-ass American werdz, and they wuz like WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT? Canadianites is CRAZY, yo. They be all like "I want to buy a jacket, eh?" and like "Please keep your voice down, eh?" and like "You can't urinate here, eh?" Adding all them extra Eh?'s to everything. That's why us folks from the good ol' U.S. featuring A. can't understizzand they funky-ass speakings, on the REAL WHUUUUUUUUUT. Hey bro, check this out, you ever seen that show Lost? That show is OFF DA HOOK. Wait, what you ask me again?

Nevermind. Which would you prefer to do full-time: translation or interpretation? Why?
Translation is cool. But "interpretation"? You mean like those dudes who be like the FBI for the whole world and shizz?

That's Interpol.
Oh word. Whut?

Nothing. So, from your point of view, in what ways has the translation industry changed the most over the past few years? How do you feel about these changes?
For reals, yo.

Excuse me?
Whut?

Answer the question, please.
Oh, was you axing me a quizzestion?

Yes. Yes I was. Were you paying attention?
Yeah, yeah I know that dude.

......
Hay yo you like Froot Loops, bro?

Whatever. Next question. Obviously, the advent of the Internet (and the progression of personal computers) has made things much more convenient for translators, but considering the saturation of the market by amateur/part-time “translators” and the effects this saturation has on the industry, do you feel that the advent of the Internet has made things better for serious translators?
......

You have no idea whatsoever what I saying to you right now, do you?
Naw, bro, it ain't even like that.

Then could you please answer the question?
Why you keep grillin' me, axin' me all these quizzestions and shizz, yo?

Because this is an interview. I'm interviewing you. Here. Right now.
Oh word. Yeah that's cool.

What?
Whut?

Oh my God...
OH SHIT DUDE DID YOU JUST SEE BIGFOOT??

Um... Bigfoot?
Yeah, you was acting like all surprised and shizz, so I thought maybe you seen Bigfoot.

I, I don't... OK, you know what, whatever. Next question: You were self-employed for several years as an interpreter/translator for, as your Angelfire site states, "Americanz and Canadianitez who be wantin' to tizzalk and shizz". Assuming this was an actual existing thing, do you have any interesting or amusing episodes or anecdotes from that period that you could share?
Yeah like there was that one episode where someone straight popped a cap in Mr. Burns, and everybody be like HAY YO WHO SHOT MISTAH BIZZURNS YO?! And like they straight up made you wait till like, the next season and shizz to...

That's from The Simpsons. You're talking about The Simpsons, aren't you?
Yee-uh.

Seriously?
What, you think that wuz from like Family Guy or somethin'? You hella dumb, bro. Go read a bizzook or some shizz. BOOYAH!

What does that even mean?
It's like...

Actually, no, nevermind, just stop talking. Please.
Aight.

Please kill me now... Anyway back to the... "interview"... What would you consider to be your favorite and least favorite fields of translation, and why? (For example: technical diagrams, essays, reports, stories and poetry, etc.)
Fields? You mean like...

Stop. Shut up. OK, let's try this again... HAY BRO WHUT KINDA TRANZLATIN YOU DOWN WIT, YO?
That certainly is quite a good question there, James. Well, regarding the subject of my preferred genres of translation work - or, more precisely, shall we say "the genre/genres to which I believe my inherent strengths as a professional translator are most efficiently and profitably applied" - personally, I like to consider myself to be a sort of modern-day Renaissance man of translation, the figurative "jack of all trades", if you will. If you regard my Curriculum Vitae or peruse the archives of my past projects and dalliances, I believe that it is rather evident that my confidence in my own abilities is most fairly placed in the arena of patents, although I must say I have been known to produce some absolutely breathtaking modern English renditions of the prose of some of the classic Greek poets, if I may be so bold as to say so myself. You know - Cleophon, Alcaeus of Mytilene, Peisander, Lesches, even the Lady Telesilla. But I digress. My sincerest apologies - I seem to have been rambling once again. I do wish I could plant my feet firmly on the ground and keep this wandering old mind of mine from floating off into the clouds like that sometimes. Oh well, as the French have been known to say, "C'est la vie", no?

...Um, Mr. Jackson?
......

Peanut...?
......OH DAYUM, hay yo sorry 'bout that, bro, I was like, spacin' out like a tweaker and shizz, you feel me? Whutchu asking me 'bout again? Like something 'bout playin' in them fizzields or some shizz?

...Ice cream. I was asking what kind of ice cream you like.
Oh, word. Red!

That's not... whatever. Wonderful. I actually had several more questions to ask you, but you know what, I think I'm just going to conclude the interview right here as it's been made quite apparent that I'm dealing with a barely - if at all - literate troglodyte, with whom I no longer have any business.
WH...

YOU HELLA DUMB, SON. I FINNA BOUNCE, YO.
Oh, word. See y'all at the crib WHUUUUUUUUUT!

I hate you, Peanut Jackson.

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